Hello everybody reading this! I hope you are well. I am well rested and ready to take on the world after a nice vacation on the beach in Florida. To tell you the truth, even if you are broken,e try to take a couple weeks vacation. It’s good for your mind, body and spirit!
I’m writing about something that has happened to me recently, and I want to share my insight with you. I’m hoping that you can take something from my experience and really make you think, and hopefully help you with your life.
I’ve always been different. As a child I was overweight, and artsy. I’m an empath, medium, psychic and very, very sensitive. I was also bullied. A lot. From childhood through adulthood, and even into the workplace, by others as well as my family. You see, I always put up with the behavior because I always felt I had to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’. Even in the workplace(which is the most embarrassing of my bullying, since I’m an adult). I always felt I had no choice. As child, I was shunned and not accepted, spit on, beat up, even though I excelled in many things. In the workplace, I needed a paycheck and put up with horrendous behavior at the hand s of a so-called program director, who went as far as to make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth to speak. ( I think that to be honest, workplace bullying is the worst, because you are an adult, and feel that you don’t have to put up with it, but still do. ) For me, this went on for 6 years. All this takes a toll on you as a human, and from reading studies about it, I’ve realized it actually changes your DNA in your brain, causing all kinds of mental health issues that can resurface at any time.
You hear people say to you, “You just need to let it go,” which I thought I did. I never thought that I could have suffered from PTSD. I thought it was for people like veterans and the like. But oh, I was wrong. So wrong. PTSD can be subtle, and mild to severe. It wasn’t until someone pointed out some of my symptoms that I’ve realized, that is exactly what I have been suffering from. I am a mild sufferer of PTSD.
Am I completely cured and can I cure it? Here’s the funny thing; people tell you to ‘let go’, but PTSD people cannot. It’s hardwired in their brains. How can you get something that’s hardwired in your brain to ‘let go’? You can’t. You have to accept that is the way it is, and learn to deal with it. Here’s some symptoms of mild PTSD.
- Lack of true trust in anyone or anything.
- “Walls” around yourself, so no one can know the real you.My aunt used to say I was like an”M&M”. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside.(Which was my coping skill growing up).
- Inner anger, that can be triggered by anything that is linked to former bullying episodes.
- Tendency to ‘shut down’ and not communicate.
- Avoiding people, or wanted to ‘just blend’ in.
- Feeling of worthlessness, and frustration
- Little things annoy you, causing outbursts.
- You seem moody, almost like bi-polar, but still cope and have a family, career and somewhat social life.
- Have anxiety or depression.
- Tend to be moody, or brooding.
- Dire need to be understood, and accepted, even if there is further abuse.
- Sometimes, you are an overachiever, trying to prove the bullies wrong. In my case, it was a go-go-go attitude. It almost seemed manic, without stop.
Recently, I had some ‘people’ do and say some very cruel things about me behind my back. I was hurt beyond mention. It takes me a very long time to trust people(symptom of PTSD), and I dealt with it for the first time, in the right way. This made me feel empowered, and has helped my though patterns. In the past, I used to get very angry, held it in, and fly off the handle at other things, even tiny ones. I’ve always been a very high energy person also. So my moodiness was often seen as manic episodes, and all kinds of other things. But anyone who also knows me, knows that I am a very careful planner, non-impulsive, and up until recently, even though I’d be down a little, I’d pull myself out of it. By doing this, I has something else to put my focus on. I’ve been out of my hell job for three years, and for some reason, it has recently reared it’s ugly head. This is also very common, by-the-way. It’s also common for PTSD victims to keep repeating the patterns that caused the bullying.
We are still all learning up until the day we die. For me, the bullying pattern was created by a lack of communication. Whenever someone attacks me, I go into survival mode. I get extremely quiet and go to shut down, like I did when I was 10. But the reason why I’m writing this is because this time, I did a coupe of things differently. And it really helped me feel in control. See, that’s one of the main causes of PTSD, a lack of control. Things are done to you that you cannot control. That’s where the anger comes from. In my case, I never stood up for myself. It always seemed like it made matters worse. But for the first time, I STOOD MY GROUND.
Things That Are Helping Me
These are some thoughts and things I did to begin learning to manage my PTSD. So far, although we cannot completely heal from PTSD, we can manage it and become happier and healthier humans.
- What people think of you is not your business. Stay in your own lane. Remember this and use this as a mantra each morning.
- Do not let abuse go unacknowledged, thinking it will just go away.
- Think out what you want to say to the bully. I practiced it and even wrote it down.
- Force yourself to state your piece, calmly and clearly.(Hardest FOR ME!)Tell these people clearly that you won’t take their abuse.(Try to keep all emotion out of the equation). Don’t keep running away!
- If necessary, refuse to go back for more. Don’t go back into the space that got you there to begin with.
- Find something you love, and do it, every day, if even 5 minutes.
- Be grateful for what you have, and even for the opportunity to grow from the bullying.
- Surround yourself with positive people, friends and family.
As of right now, I am still in contact with these people who just said nasty things behind my back.(You do realize that talking behind your back is a form of bullying, right?) People do that a lot, but the difference was, is that they gained my trust, something that is very difficult for me. That’s why I was so hurt.
I’m pretty sure, in the near future, I will be done associating with these people. I have been contemplating this, and know that they are negative, judgmental people. They talk about everyone else, so why would I assume they wouldn’t talk about me? DUH? My problem is that as a child, I wanted to be accepted as part of the group so badly, that I was willing to be abused. This pattern has repeated itself many times. I now just cut many people out of my life. It has been hard, but removing the issue is helping.
Just remember, you are a precious part of God. You deserve respect, and love. You don’t have to keep putting up with abuse and you also don’t have to keep being a victim of it. Will things resurface? You bet. PTSD just doesn’t go away. But maybe some things I’m offering can help manage it’s symptoms. Remember, there are people who care. I do. Bless all of you with love and light.